Middle school woes

I was listening to an episode of This American Life last week on the topic of middle school in America, this one in particular - http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/449/middle-school.

Essentially they were talking about how middle school is such a significant time in the lives of children. I agree, it is a time of big changes. You're just about starting to grow into your adult body and forming some of your own opinions. You go through big changes both physically and mentally.

One of the bigger issues they brought up was how clothes made up such a stress factor in middle school (in America). Specifically, thoughts such as - would this sweater my grandma gifted me for Christmas be made fun of by the 'cool' kids? It then struck me. Clothing was never a big conversation topic when I went to middle school. Our minds were free of all the talk of what's cool to wear and what's not until we were well into high school. We were not judged by what we wore. That's when I realized the importance of school uniforms!

As a child I used to envy my cousins growing up in America because they got to wear whatever they wanted to school right from day one. But the more I think about this now, I really see the value in school uniforms. With all the changes you're already going through during your middle school years, do you really need yet another silly stress factor and point of judgement resulting from what you wear? .....in middle school?

Diwa...what now?

What does Diwali mean to you? For me, it's just another normal day. It's been this way for several years now. If it weren't for Facebook and email wishes, I'd probably not even know it has passed me by. I'm not saying it as a sad thing though. Just a thing. I'm quite OK with it. But I know that growing up, it was probably my favorite festival of all. At that time it meant - lots of great food and home made snacks, new clothes, massive house cleaning, "oil" baths, festive atmosphere, fire crackers galore and time off from school. I got to hang out with family and friends and burst fire crackers with them, while enjoying all the amazing food. Sometimes relatives from other cities would come visit. That was one day I didn't mind waking up at insane hours of the morning.

It seems as though Diwali has lost its excitement and meaning for me over the years. I could possibly attribute it to having a continent or two between what I now call home and what used to be my home then. But I see so many of my Indian friends and relatives still as excited about it as they were back in India, keeping up the traditions. So it's probably not that. Why this indifference? I can't help but wonder....

Maybe it will change if I have kids. I have fond childhood memories of celebrating the various Indian festivals. Maybe I will want my kid to have those experiences as well. Don't know. I've always been flowy like water though, enjoying every place I've moved to (and I've moved a lot) in its own way. Or could it really be that I have to be at least a tad religious to get excited about it? After all, these traditions are rooted in the religion. I've always been interested in the philosophy and stories behind the pujas but not in actually doing the pujas myself. I don't see the point of doing a puja without passionately believing in it. Hmm.... 

At the most, we go to a Diwali party thrown here every year by someone we know. But it could be any party with the same people and I would have just as much of a good time. Just that we're all dressed up in pretty Indian clothes and collectively make good food. Why am I nonchalant about it while everyone else is crazy excited and out planning their Diwalis? Why am I completely fine with being a spectator to other people's celebrations? I know my Mom would probably love for me to be more traditional about these things. But I cannot fake excitement for something that does not come from within. 

What does Diwali mean to you? And why do you celebrate it (if you do)? If not, I'm curious... why not?

10/25/11


Wanted to add a couple more thoughts. Perhaps it is the lack of the festive Diwali atmosphere that makes me feel this way. I'm certain that if I were in India, I'd be celebrating it and having fun too. After all, aren't most festivals at the root of it a social thing? What matters most is being around the people you love and having a good time, isn't it? The festive holiday atmosphere here during Christmas definitely gets me excited. I love seeing the decorations and lights everywhere and hanging out with good friends. I also had fun at Navrathri this year doing the "golu rounds".  Maybe I should just do something this Diwali, if only for the fun. 

The Djoker rocked!

Caught a couple of sets of the US Open 2011 men's final today. Couldn't watch the whole match live as I had to go teach class later. Two heavy hitters brought their best game, the current top two seed - Rafa and Djoker. Amazing tennis! As Ashwin put it, it was like watching two Federers in their prime going at each other. Of course, Federer is STILL my all time favorite tennis player.

I mean come on - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37qyvTRVus8

*Sigh*

Anyhoo, Rafa did what he does best, but the Djoker was unbelievable today. He's calmed down a lot from his earlier years. That I really like. No chest thumping or too much fist pumping. In fact, I was surprised to see Rafa getting a little agitated today. But definitely one of the most amazing matches I've seen in a while. I really think Federer has single-handedly upped the bar in pro tennis. Rafa and Djoker have had to up their game over the years because of him. I've been watching them mature each time they played Federer.

Side note - my game  went up a notch today. I'd like to think it was inspiration from today's match. Though, it could very well have been the banana or the yummy jam sandwich I ate for the energy boost. Or just that I wasn't thinking too much while playing. Maybe all of those things. But I felt a moment or two of (possible) flow - like I wasn't really sure but my forehand at least seemed to be coming "from within". LOL. Now if only I could reproduce it next time...

How The Matrix changed my life

I have come to believe on some level that Agent Smith was right. Remember this speech he gave to Neo? :-)

I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

Teaching

Teaching can be as tiring as it is rewarding. There are days when I want to tear my hair out and yet others when I am floating on a cloud. Some days are smooth as butter and others I feel like I'm in an inter-galactic war on the front lines. I guess that's expected when kids are involved. They come with several shades and personalities, driven a lot more by instinct than us adults. They constantly and creatively challenge you in ways that you never anticipate. They're always testing boundaries, observing carefully whether you follow your own rules, how to break them or get around them. Moments when you're their best friend in the whole world and others where they'd rather be not in your sight. They come with their fragile egos and competitiveness.

Bharatanatyam is physically and mentally challenging. To get kids to do something wears them down physically as well as mentally as the steps get harder and harder, yet keep them focussed and motivated through the complexity and help them understand the beauty of it all is quite an ordeal. But I'm learning everyday. I've never found myself more engaged as while I'm teaching, not even during my time in Amazon. I feel like my brain starts to smoke up, ears get hot at the end of a few hours. I find myself so involved that I forget my surroundings and the world around me.

As exhausting as it is, it is quite rewarding to pass to a younger generation an art form that uplifts my very being. Of course, only as they grow older and choose their own paths, will at least a handful of them experience the inner joy and decide that it's worth all the physical pain. It still seems worth it to wait patiently until that bulb goes off. To experience the bliss, to feel it transport you to a higher world, far from the gritty everyday plane that we physically exist on. For now though, it's enough that most of them are happy to dance.... the little joy they experience when they're told they did a step correctly..... the eagerness to learn the next one, despite all their shenanigans.

On a more personal front, I guess that's what parenting is like, only 24-7. On one hand, I'm probably more prepared for parenting than ever before after handling tons of kids every day through their tantrums, arguments, questioning, conflicts and of course the peaceful and fun times too. On the other hand, it makes me think harder about becoming a parent. Do I want that 24-7 as opposed to a few hours each day? Hmm.....

Flow

Achieving flow seems simple in theory but incredibly hard to practice. We live in a highly ADD oriented age. Although it is ultimately up to us to pick and choose how ADD oriented we want to be, it's certainly hard not to be sucked into it by things around us.

Although the interwebs is the latest time suck (and I'm working on this), one particular thing I'm happy about is that we've managed to cut our TV watching down to a pretty good amount. We cut cable a few years ago and couldn't be happier with what services like Netflix have to offer. Watch a half hour of ad-free tv and be done with it. No annoying news channels. No annoying commercial breaks. No unnecessary channel surfing. Urge to switch TV on is at a minimum.

I've been thinking about focus lately. And this quote springs to mind -
"The mind needs to be empty to see clearly" - J.Krishmamurthi

What's your oldest memory?

I love photographs. I often look at pictures I've seen again and again. Sometimes I look at pictures of myself as a kid and don't recognize the little me. I don't have too many pictures from my childhood and no video at all. But I like it that way. I sit back and think about what I was like, what the people around me were like, what we used to do.... a vague memory here, a tiny mental image there and my Mom's and Dad's aging recollections to fill some missing pieces.....

I thought long and hard about what my oldest memory might be and I think it's this. I might have been about three years old. I have a very vague image - my brother and I playing in what might be a living room with long white curtains. He's on the floor like a horse and I'm on top of him and we're singing something and riding around the room. I also remember looking out at the gates to our house from the windows as we were playing - there were 3 white arches for gates in that house of ours (which matches up to the pictures we have of that house). That's it. I'm not sure whether this has been ingrained in my mind as my oldest memory perhaps because my brother told me about the games we used to play as kids some years later or whether some part of my brain still stores images from my childhood and I'm able to access it once in a while. But it's interesting to dig. 

Happy Mothers' Day

Sharing a post I wrote on my Mom for our To Mom With Love show blog. Mother's and Fathers' Days are probably Hallmark created holidays to encourage consumerism, which is why I never celebrate them in the traditional way, i.e. cards, candy, gifts etc. But seems appropriate to take a moment and be thankful for the Mom who's done so much. Happy Mothers' Day everyone! 

Amma

My parents have had a huge impact on who I am today. I grew up watching my mom, or Amma as I call her, be not only a caring mom but also an enterprising career woman. Funny thing is, often times when I used to ask her about what she did and how important she was in her organization, she would make jokes about it and talk like it wasn’t much. Needless to say, I learnt a thing or two about humility from her that has stayed with me forever. As busy as she was in her professional role, when she came home, she was a loving mother and wife, fully engaged in those roles. It couldn’t have been easy, especially with me often falling sick with bouts of asthma until I was at least 5 or 6. Often she had to stay up nights with me as I powered through yet another wheezing attack. Yet I can’t remember one instance when she came home and started talking about the stresses of her day. And trust me, she had a high stress career with lots of interesting stories. I mostly found out more about them only when I was a lot more grown up. She has always been cheerful, positive and filled with tons of energy all day every day.

I was part of a large family of nine for several years during my childhood. Two of my dad’s sisters and a grand aunt lived with us. One sister had two daughters and had lost her husband early in life, the second sister was yet to be married. All nine of us lived together in a small two bedroom apartment. My parents were the sole earning members supporting the large family, but I never felt we lacked anything. I owe a lot of that feeling to Amma. She didn’t advise me a lot, but I learnt a lot by example. Despite the fact that we had just enough money for ourselves, she has always had a very large heart. The very fact that she was able to take in my Dad’s extended family and bring up their children as her own made a big impact on me. Loving your own child is easy. Loving another’s child just as your own and giving yourself to them just as much is significantly harder. We were brought up like four siblings. Of course, I wasn’t thinking about these things back then. But as I grew up I realized, that is who Amma is. And I love her dearly for that.

Amma initiated me into dance when I was merely 4, mostly because she loved Bharatanatyam and never had the opportunity to learn when she was young. I didn’t care much for it back then. I cared about my Sunday morning cartoons more than going to dance class. But I didn’t complain much either as dance felt somewhat natural to my body. As the years rolled by, I completed my Arangetram (a full length solo performance given when one completes their foundational training in the art form) but moved on to pursue other interests. Amma talked with me off and on about my natural inclination towards art but I was adamant about pursuing other options for a career. Several years later and I found myself thinking more and more about leading an artistic life. Amazingly, it is the pursuit of this art form that has led me on a wonderful journey of self discovery.

As I have come full circle on my dance journey to an enriching dance filled life today, I have realized that when it came to major life decisions, Amma ultimately never forced me to choose what she wanted. That was not her way. We certainly had our share of disagreements and arguments, but once I explained to her what I was passionate about and where my interests were at the time, she allowed me to explore. Even if she didn’t agree with me completely, she focused her energies on making the best possible opportunities in that direction available to me. In the process, it forced me to think deeply about my choices before I jumped into them. She has always said to me that no matter what I put my heart into, I should be more than a 100% invested in it. “There’s no point in doing anything half-hearted”, she would say. She herself had wanted to lead an artistic life at one point but could not follow her passions due to financial needs. She forayed into the financial / banking world instead of an artistic one, but she made herself incredibly passionate about it and had a great career. That never ceases to amaze me. She never did anything remotely half-hearted, whether it was her career or being a mother or a wife. How she was able to keep it all together is a mystery to me.

Amma’s energy and zest for life are infectious. She has tried her hand at everything from learning German to web development. Her interests span several things from spiritual pursuits to cooking to the stock market. I have learnt many things from her over the years - importance of working hard and being passionate, humility, not being jealous of anyone, making myself helpful to others and never giving up. I certainly make my share of mistakes but hope that I will never give up trying my best to live life by these values. Thanks Amma for everything you have ever taught me, for being my rock, trusting my life decisions, teaching me a thing or two about life and for listening to my silly stories patiently over the years.

The Paradox of Choice

Life is full of choices. As a kid, the choices are much simpler, at least from the grown up perspective. Growing up complicates them, introduces forks in the path with much higher stakes. This is especially true in the post-industrial, global melting pot of a world where we live today. With higher education and jobs taking people half way across the planet, away from everything they've grown up with, the complexities pile on. I often wonder about people who haven't had much of a say in shaping their own lives. They've followed the path laid out for them for the most part. While I personally can't imagine being in their shoes, many such people I've come across seem happy within what they've got. It's almost like they don't know they have choices so they've learnt to make the most of their little worlds. On the other hand, we have others who are often left over-thinking decisions because they have so much choice and freedom. That's not to say that all of us in the second category are unhappy. But I feel that too much choice makes for a much more complex life and definitely increases the probability of unhappiness creeping into one's life. But I guess at the end of the day it's a trade off - that is the paradox of choice.

Book review: The Palace of Illusions

It's funny how one's perspectives on the same stories change as one grows up. Such is the case with the Mahabharata and me. What I regarded as a simple fairy tale of good vs. evil as a naive child, morphed, as I grew up, into one of the most complex and fascinating epics of all time where every character is an interesting web of many shades of gray, where circumstances drive good people to do terrible things and where ends often justify the means. My favorite character in the epic also changed with me: Yudhishthira: the upholder of truth when I was a child, Arjuna: the handsome warrior in my teens and eventually, Karna: also a great warrior, equal or better than Arjuna in fact, courageous, very generous and yet showered with one tragedy after another throughout his lifetime and finally cursed that he would be killed ruthlessly at his most helpless hour.

If you grew up in India, it is nearly impossible for one to not know at least the basic the story of the Mahabharata. Almost every other kid in my generation had at least read the Amar Chitra Katha version of this great epic. I had never given much thought to one of the central characters in the epic - Draupadi - until I picked up The Palace of Illusions on my trip to Peru last year. This book is a retelling of the Mahabharata from Draupadi's perspective, in first person.

The book portrays Draupadi as a multi-dimensional woman. She is intelligent, perceptive and yet flawed in very human ways: vengeful and proud all the same. She, the fire-born princess of Panchaal, was told of a prophecy when she emerged from the fire that she would change the course of history. However, she is forced into a lonely childhood by her circumstances and left to wonder whether the prophecy would ever come true. As destiny unfolds over the course of time, she finds herself facing difficult decisions time and again, often having to choose what "must be done" over her deepest desires.

I really liked the portrayal of the relationship between Draupadi and Krishna. At some level, Draupadi has an inkling that he is divine, but her rational, intelligent self questions this thought constantly and her conscious mind does not allow her to believe that readily. She returns to him for advice very often, though he never seems to give her a straightforward answer.

Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni has done a brilliant job of capturing the essence of the Mahabharata through the eyes of Draupadi, albeit with some literary license. She's weaved in rather imaginative arcs of her own into the epic in very interesting ways. I don't want to spoil it if you haven't read it yet. So I won't mention any of it. Overall, I enjoyed the writing thoroughly. It's captivating. I couldn't put it down for the most part. Highly recommend it.

2010: A review

I've felt compelled to review 2010, especially because the year was not only mostly awesome but also significant in some ways. But every time I'd start writing something, five minutes later I'd just delete it all and go do something else. Some sort of writer's block....is what I would say if I was a.....writer! :-) So here goes, highlights of 2010.

Travel - We had an *EPIC* trip to Peru with friends. We hiked the Inca trail to Machu Picchu and I can confidently say that it was a trip of a lifetime. We started training for it a few months earlier, which led us to hike some very beautiful trails around the lovely PacNW. Our second week in Peru was spent at a rainforest. Not my most favorite thing in the world but came back with a lifetime of fun stories and memories. :-) Also took another Hawaii trip in December. It still is paradise. So travel and outdoor wise I'd say, the best year yet.

Fitness - I think I was probably in the best shape of my adult life in 2010. It was a combination of 3 things. First, the hikes. Second, I took personal training at the gym for a few weeks. Third, a lot of dancing. The combination of all three led to me getting in really good shape. I have slacked off since, but I know now that my body is capable of a lot more fitness than I thought earlier. Must pick up where I left off.

Life - Big changes on this front. I finally gave up my corporate career in the pursuit of my ideal life so to speak. A lot of different factors led to this - stress, passions, change in perspective/purpose, adopting minimalism and striving for it in my daily life (albeit in baby steps), wanting sanity in our daily lives. I think I've known this coming for a while subconsciously, but didn't have the courage to take the step earlier. I was also hacking together my exit strategy slowly and plans for the after(corporate)life. It was not very easy giving up a highly paid corporate career that I worked through 6 years of college for, believing corporate life to be my life's purpose. I struggled with this decision a lot, vacillated constantly and debated pros and cons endlessly. I was finally able to silence out the noise, prioritize what I really wanted and cross the bridge (with a little kick and a ton of support from my extremely awesome husband). Remains to be seen where I lead myself from here. But I'm happy. This opens up a world of possibilities.

Charity - Gave a lot of money to an organization in India that we believe does good work. This is the second time we've done this through Microsoft's Give Campaign. My husband's rationale is that if it doesn't visibly hurt your bank balance a little, it's not worth it. I agree. Sometime in the future, when I'm older, I would like to do more than just give money. But for now, this will have to do.

Other - The husband and I wrote a Windows 7 Phone application and actually shipped it. For a while we believed that we're not going to ever ship it, due to our work etc. taking priority at the time and slacking off from time to time. But we finally did it. This was a perfect segway for me into the non-corporate life, outside of my dance related pursuits. I loved working on the app. And I'm happy to say that as of writing this, we're very close to hitting about 900 downloads worldwide and have gotten a lot of feedback and feature requests. I hope we can make the time to keep updating it.

On another note, I completely slacked off on painting and piano in 2010. Will have to do something about this in 2011, even if it means learning just one new song or a single painting. On the positive side, I took up photography a little more seriously but have a long way to go. Plan to work on it some more this year.

Health - DEFINITELY tops the did-not-go-well list. I've been sick more times in 2010 than probably in the last ten years. Gotta do something about this.

So there it is. 2011 did not get off to a very good start for me. I was sick again for about a week and a half. But I'm slowly regaining my strength back. So I decided that my new year will start in Feb this year. :-) 

Contentment

I find that we humans are increasingly complaining more and more about pretty much everything. My computer doesn't do this.....my phone sucks at that....or something along the lines of  - what I really need is a laptop that can transform into a jet pack and transport me to the moon if I so wished.....and instantly get me some ice cream too! Why the hell wont my laptop do this NOW??! You get the idea...

I am guilty of this too but now that I am self aware, I'm making a very conscious effort to try and keep my complaining about what more I need to a minimum. We live in the age of instant gratification. Everything is a click away and there are infinite choices for pretty much any product. Consumers today feel more entitled than ever before. Companies naturally exploit that to the max. I don't blame them at all though, that's business for you, you have to make money somehow. Today's market is a million times more competitive than before and it only keeps getting worse with rampant consumerism. It's a chicken and egg thing after all. There's nothing right or wrong about it but it's tiring, very tiring when you take a step back and observe it from outside the circle.

Whatever happened to contentment? I understand there's a fine line between contentment and inaction. I once read a fortune cookie which made a lot of sense to me - "Discontentment is the first step in the progress of man". Of course, progress as we have come to define it. Given that we've evolved these huge ass brains, we just cannot say this is good enough forever with everything. We would die of boredom. I get that. But sometimes it really IS enough. Every once in a while it's good to draw a line and say, "I'm happy", then sit back and enjoy a cup of tea and watch the sun go down.

My devious immune system :-)

So I'm sick....for like the 3rd or 4th time in the last several months. Each time it's hit me hard too over these recent months. I got a bad case of the flu in 2009 for the first time in years (even though I had never taken a flu shot before that in my life), and had several pharyngitis/cold attacks and one laryngitis attack (which was not fun I tell ya, especially right before the Peru trip). And it's not been like a light cough/cold that goes away within 3 days of tried and tested natural grandma remedies like it used to be before. Now, my husband comes from a family of doctors, and really good ones too. So naturally our conversations go something like this:

Husband: Let's get you started on meds right away. It's a light cough right now but you're gonna get fever if you let it be for another day.

Me: No way. I've had this before and not made such a big deal about it. It will go away in two days. Just you watch.

[If you knew me well, this would make more sense to you. I run away from medicines like the plague ....unless I feel like I'm about to die. This doesn't bode very well for my (ahem) stubborn self, you know, since I'm married into a family of doctors. :-)]

Husband: I'm telling ya, better kill it now than suffering for more days.

Me: No...just let me be. It will go away. Trust me.

[Two days later, with my condition worsened and me feeling extremely weak]

Husband: I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I? LISTEN TO A DOCTOR'S SON! You're taking meds right away whether you like it or not.

Me: Hmph. This hasn't happened to me in the last ten years.

Husband: Sure it has. Just happened 4 months ago and we had the same conversation! It only went away after you took the meds.

Me: [Grudgingly] Fine.

I swear, my immune system is having way too much fun picking sides with my husband these days. :) I wonder whether I simply need to do more to stay healthy as I grow older or that my higher stress levels at work got to my health over the last year and a half? I've also been in contact with a lot more sick kids over the last year and a half. Dunno. We'll see. Meanwhile, I'm gonna try to eat as healthy as I possibly can.