Motherhood

I've only been a mother for a little over a year but if it's any indication of what's in store for years to come, it's going to be quite a ride. One I'm looking forward to (wouldn't have said that a few years ago though). The immense, pure joy, the intense pain, all of it. The ups and the downs. Of course, the ups far outweigh the downs in the end.

Maybe that's what labor is for. Just a mere indication of the times ahead. The rolling, intense waves of pain you feel periodically that you think you cannot handle but somehow your mind and body adapt. Each time it hits you, you find yourself becoming stronger. You learn how to deal with it better. You take deep breaths and let the pain flow through you instead of fighting it. Those final intense moments when you feel like you're on fire. You really really want to give up now. But there's no turning back. When every fibre of your being wants to give up and just be left alone to cry and you feel like you absolutely have no more physical or mental strength left in you, you remind yourself - just one more push, don't give up now. You can't give up. The eagerness to feel less pain and the joy of meeting your little one finally carries you through. Then in just one quick, unbelievable moment, all that pain vanishes and you have your little bundle in your arms. Suddenly, you don't remember much of the pain.

This pattern repeats itself through the journey that is motherhood. It's the most challenging thing I have ever done and will ever do. It's also the most rewarding. I look forward to riding through this with my incredible husband and amazing father to our son.

Last thought - Among many other things, the one key thing I've learnt about motherhood so far is this - you NEVER EVER give up. EVER. 

Daycare - final thoughts

A few concluding thoughts on the subject.

We finally decided to pull our son out of daycare for many of the reasons I've listed my previous posts.

He was starting to adjust to daycare during the second week. The last two to three days that he went, he started to have larger breaks from crying and I didn't see him hyperventilate much anymore. Also, when I picked him up, I found him sitting with his teacher and reading a book or playing with a ball or resting quietly on their shoulder. He stopped crying desperately to reach me when he saw me come in as he did in the first few days. But we knew this was going to happen. Children are very adaptable at a young age. Put them in most any environment long enough and they will adapt, even with different personalities. We knew this. So this was never ever a criterion for us to pull him out. But I had to mention this because we've been advised so many times to "give him more time" to adjust assuming that we're pulling him out because of this, despite us explaining clearly that this was not the case. We definitely did not like his teachers much for not so much as reassuring him a few times until told, but always knew that this would not prevent him from adjusting to them nevertheless.

He did catch his first bug there in the short time that he was there. We also expected this. It got both of us too. This was another reason why we pulled him out, albeit one slightly lower in priority. While we have no problem exposing him to normal levels of germs around the house, outside on grass / ground and such, we were not very comfortable with him being whammed with daycare germs at age one. This is a much debated topic among pediatricians and parents. I've been advised over and over to both ends by many different people. Most non-doctors tell me to put him in daycare and let germs wham the sh** out of him. Doctors have told me children don't really build immunity enough to handle strong germs until about age 3, so it's better to expose them to school-level germs then. Most articles I've read on the topic seem to agree that as long as you're not cleaning every corner of your house with bleach and alcohol every single day and keeping your kids confined to one super freaky clean room all day, it's enough exposure to germs. If they're regularly meeting other people, crawling all over the place, being allowed to play outside, putting toys from the floor in their mouth, most normal things in other words, that is sufficient exposure to germs. I think from a common sense stand point that makes sense to me. We do all those things. We also never used hand sanitizers, instead, always washed hands with soap and water while handling him even as a little baby. As much of a clean freak that I am, heaven knows our house is far from super freaky clean. So for now we've decided that we don't want to fall sick as a family every month, over and over again. Once in a while is enough. So again, daycare is out until he is a bit older.

My biggest reasons were -

• Lack of general fun (free singing / dancing / silliness which we highly encourage)
• Lack of physical and emotional closeness - Vik, true to being our son, likes a lot of physical closeness apart from emotional closeness. We are big on hugs as a family. :-) Daycare is anything but. We don't want him to become less caring and spirited due to the lack of a loving environment at such a young age. When he goes to school later, he will understand the separation. But at one, he is entitled not to! Also, the personalities (or lack of) of some of the other children in his classroom worried us.  
• Developmental aspects - Don't think a group setting is good for Vik at his age. He learns a lot from "talking" to us and being responded to. He also learns a lot from free unstructured self exploration of not just his toys but also many other things around the house and outside. Both of which are severely lacking at daycare (see my earlier post on this). 
• Adding to the above point - Encouraging curiosity and "organic" creativity as opposed to contrived activities. 

As he grows up, he will definitely look to other children to play with as opposed to adult company that he now primarily seeks (which is appropriate for his age). He will also play and learn differently at an older age and actually benefit from structured activities. At that time, we will revisit our daycare decision. Whatever the case, for now though, we've found him a nanny. We really hope she is a good one for him!

Thoughts on daycare - Part 2

We're into the second week of daycare now (still doing about 2 hours a day). But we've thought, observed, discussed with others, thought some more over and over and come to a few realizations (relevant to us, may not be for everyone of course). Here they are, in no particular order.

No matter what kind of care you set up for your child, whether it's daycare, a nanny or even relatives in some cases, how it plays out ultimately comes down to the child's and the care giver's personalities.

At one, babies do not really *play* with one another (which has been the most common reason quoted to me in support of early daycare). Play dates at this age result in babies sitting side by side with their toys, each playing with his own. They might interact occasionally with one another but they really socialize with adults rather than other babies. They learn primarily from adults, especially things like communication and understanding of the world around them. They do tend to pick up on things like walking and other motor skills from watching other babies, but like I've mentioned in my earlier post, nothing they cannot do by themselves over time. I am in no hurry for my son to walk, not in any competition here. So I have debunked my own belief from earlier that babies *need* to hang out with other babies a lot more than adults. After the age of 2 there is definitely truth to this.

There is no warmth / bonding in my son's daycare teachers. I personally think that one can never be an excellent teacher (for any age group actually and any subject or activity, not just one year olds) if he or she doesn't develop a bond with the kids. That said, I also feel it's a lot more important for younger children than older ones. There are some babies, however, who couldn't care less who their care giver is. I have met one or two such babies. But as far as I've seen, for the most part, babies do really look to bond with their care givers (my son definitely). From my personal teaching experience I feel that children of any age group learn a lot better and with more enthusiasm if they bond with their teachers. So this is incredibly important for us.

Adding to the above point, taking your child's personality into account is very important while deciding the type of care you want when they are so young. Our son is a chatty and curious little child. He loves to "talk" with people. He does self-play and exploration too but he really likes the human interaction. So daycare is not really the best place for him right now. The teachers simply aren't that proactive in talking with the babies, even with the small teacher-children ratio in Vik's classroom. I'm starting to think this and my above point is a philosophical difference - I've been told by at least 2 people in the past week that daycare teachers that follow a more montessori approach tend to be that way.

There is not enough fun built into the daycare experience for a one year old. There is too much focus on intellectual development (a lot of sitting / lying around doing relatively mellow activities). We play chasing around games, hide and seek, tickle, roll around, play with our fingers, simply sing out loud or make random sounds, jump around and do other silly things. I also talk with Vik a lot through the day, say words and ask him to repeat them. He loves that. We have a lot of fun with language in general since he has always been so keen on talking. He will not get that in daycare. Perhaps it is unreasonable to expect all this from daycare at all. All the more reason to not send him there until he is older and that matters less. At one, I don't want him forced to sit around doing activities all day with just an hour of "playground time" here and there. I fear he might become too structured and lose some of his free spirit.

At daycare, the children are limited to one room with only children's toys, furniture and books all day long. The experience is very different at home for a child. There are so many doors to open, so many cupboards to explore, so many household objects to play with. When I'm cooking, to keep him occupied, I often hand him random (safe) objects like wooden spatulas, rolling pins, small spoons, big spoons, plastic containers, stainless steel containers and so on. I've been doing this since he was 8 or so months old. It's very interesting to watch how the child explores such objects and plays with them. So he is not just limited to things specifically built for babies. I really feel such exploration helps the child explore his creative side, interact with normal objects and they really have fun with containers and such! Amazing how much pure joy banging with a spoon on a plate brings to a child. And when he finally figured out how to close a box, that moment of joy on his face was priceless. Now Vik is exploring screw tops and slowly getting a hang of it. I feel like too much of playing just with things made for babies imposes a certain artificial development aspect. Like they are not part of the environment they're growing up in, rather contained in a baby bubble.

Another thing I am not particularly thrilled about the daycare experience so young is that it can force a child into a schedule that they really not ready for. There are some things that I truly believe will happen naturally. So far this has served us well in raising Vik. I've never really had to actively transition him to fewer naps or bed times or any such thing. We simply follow his cues and it has led to good schedules for us. He is really not ready for a one nap schedule which is enforced in the toddler program he is part of. While any baby can technically be retrofitted into such a schedule, I'd rather not put him through it. It often results in very tired babies for a period of time until their brains and bodies can adjust fully. He is sort of in a transitionary period where he takes one nap some days but every few days he will "catch up" with two. There isn't much room for doing this at daycare. Beyond the first adjustment period, there isn't really much room for such things.

Anyway, overall, I think the point is that both the husband and I are changing our minds about Vik continuing at daycare for now. We will probably do daycare when he is older but right now we're heavily leaning towards more individualized care.

PS (10/14/13) - I'm noticing that after a few times of telling the teachers in different ways that they should take an active part in reassuring Vik, they are taking some efforts and I see a difference in his behavior towards them last 2-3 times he went. He calms down when they pick him up (something they didn't do at all initially). He actually took a few bites today at the daycare, which is huge! He also greeted me today without crying and said bye to the teacher - which is even bigger! Anyhoo, we decided that we will not be deciding on daycare vs. nanny based on how he's adjusting but on what value he will get out of it. Adjust he will, but what he gets out of it is entirely different.

Initial thoughts on daycare

This is one of those things that I felt so strongly convinced about right until I actually got a chance to see first hand how it works. Experiencing this has forced me to think very hard about what's important and what's not important to my son from my point of view. These are probably going to be a bunch of unorganized thoughts so please bear with me.

It's only been one week since my son started attending daycare, a very reputed (read expensive) one at that. I've also only been keeping him there for about 2 hours at a time. He.. Will.. Not.. Stop.. Crying. Everyone who's been through a similar experience and has a child with a similar personality tells me that this will pass soon (about two weeks is minimum). His teachers tell me that he is going to "have so much fun" once he gets used to being there, over and over again. So I started digging deeper into what fun means from their perspective. I know some of you will say this is me running in the other direction because my child hasn't taken to daycare yet. But seriously, NO. If you know me well at all, you will know that I am not impulsive and do not run away from hard challenges. I am still willing to give daycare a fair chance for a month at least - no matter how much it tears through my heart to hear my child cry to the point of hyperventilation.

The teachers attitude bothered me. Big time. There are two teachers in Vik's (my son's) classroom managing ten babies of his age - between 12 to 24 months. So the ratio is really not too bad. On day one, they did practically *nothing* to ease Vik with the transition into the new environment. After we left him there, he just sat there crying to the point of hyperventilation, sitting alone with a toy, highly confused, not knowing what had hit him. I felt like the worst mother in the world. But I stuck it out - for every person who's told me I should be strong and otherwise maybe coddling him if I rushed to his rescue. I stuck it out. So on day two I talk to the teachers and tell them they should periodically reassure him and also use distraction occasionally at least to give him a (if only few seconds) break from the crying. I wasn't asking for them to hold him all the time - just some reassurance. Being a dance teacher myself and having experience with crying, screaming 3.5 to 4 year olds who want to rush back to their mommies, this seemed like common sense to me. I give hugs freely in my classes - no matter what the age. Yes, even adults like hugs. The little ones will sit on my lap if need be for the entire duration of the class and I still manage to teach the other fourteen or so. Within 3 to 4 days of classes, these kids trust me and start liking class instantly. So I found myself *very* surprised that I have to tell daycare teachers of all the people in the world of one year olds no less that they should take an active part in easing the transition of such young kids.

There are apparently several studies showing that stress levels of daycare kids tend to be higher in general. Even after the settling down happens, the children still experience more stress than other kids. This heightened stress can lead to aggression and anxiety in toddlers.

My personal theory so far has been this - that extended daycare from a very young age (by that I mean few months old) can lead to the child not being balanced - especially a lack of curiosity which is their primary source of real learning. That they can become duller because they've been ignored so much and a younger age. At such young ages, children learn a tremendous amount, in fact, primarily from adult responses, silly games etc. That, I feel, is detrimental to their curious little selves' development more than anything. That doesn't mean you shouldn't allow self-play time - that is important too. But it's very important to talk to them, respond to them etc - which is the *primary* source of learning at this age.

Also, I talked to one of Vik's teachers asking her about the transition process, what she has seen with kids with similar personalities, how it becomes better, how long it typically takes and whether there is anything I do to ease this transition. Only to be met with very lukewarm shrugs going, "I don't know....". If she claims to have as much experience as she does on her bio, I expect her to say a bit more than "I don't know". She is *supposed* to be the expert. And where is the passion in the job? This is supposedly a place where the teachers like to work - the reputed daycare thing. If a parent of a young new crying child in my dance class looks worried or comes to me with any such transition questions, I bloody well assure them that their child will be alright, tell them I have seen this before, this is typically how it happens, this is what *I* will do to ease the child in and show the parent that I *really, genuinely* care. I *never* give a - "I don't know....it may help it may not...try it..." type of response. Then I proceed to include the new child in some fun around the class - some times I will make them, yes all of them, jump silly jumps or play silly games, if only as an ice breaker for the new kid. I don't care if I took ten minutes out of the dance class's time, but I take an active part in making a new child feel included, not actively ignored. If a seasoned parent comes to me complaining that they paid for a 1.5 hour class but got ten minutes less than that, they are free to go to another teacher. But for reasons obvious to me, no parent has so far. I think they all appreciate that I actually care so much. So, really, where is the caring part of daycare?

Second, the teachers seemed to have a rather lackadaisical and by-the-books approach to managing the children. This is where I think this is a larger issue with the daycare setting as it stands today. The format of the day is extremely structured. Teacher directed activities - water painting, "math" with blocks etc., followed by "individual choice learning" - fancy words for kids do whatever they want around the room or self-play, followed by playground time, then a meal, then a nap. Rinse and repeat (except for the nap part). The focus is almost entirely on (pseudo) intellectual development. Even during playground time, I don't really see the "fun" aspect at all. I would be jumping around the place with the kids, sharing their enthusiasm for energetic play or even chasing them around to get them going! The teachers are simply being dull and helping the children climb things, or open books, work with toys during the individual times. That is also important I agree - but where is the jumping around?? I strongly feel that the peek-a-boos, chasing around, playing with their fingers, inventing silly games type of activities are far more important at that age than these dull, directed ones.

Children that young also learn a LOT about the world around them by watching their adult care givers do regular tasks during the day like cooking, cleaning etc. Sitting them around at a table and giving them activities like water painting and "math" with blocks at this age is relatively meaningless and not worth much - as many child psychologists and studies will tell you. But what I've realized is that competitive parents increasingly want to hear that their child "learnt" so much every single day. Hence these activities.

There is a misconception (myself included until recently) that it is better for one year olds or even younger kids to be in a group setting with other kids and less with adults. Often times I hear that they "learn a lot". There is absolutely no evidence that doing these pretty meaningless activities (to a one year old) actually makes them smarter. Also, until they are 2 to 2.5, they don't really play with each other. They only play side by side. They might, at the most, pick up on a few developmental skills from watching one another but nothing they cannot get to on their own, that their bodies are naturally *supposed* to do, everything else being normal. So it's really not that important for them to spend time around other kids until they're a bit older. It might even slow them down mentally. Apparently studies show that children who have been in daycare from when they were a few months old tend to be slower in cognitive development than the ones who have started after about 18 months of age - that's when you start to see the advantages of this sort of setting. That goes back to my theory above of daycare setting making younger children dull.

Anyway, that's my brain dump for now. Gotta put that head to rest now. I'm sure I will have more thoughts on this as time passes by. But I am surprised at how many misconceptions I had about putting kids into daycare very young. People these days keep telling you - it's good for them, it's good for them. I took that at face value. But on closer observation for a one year old, I'm starting to think it's not really that good for them. I think the advantages of daycare will actually start to show around 2 years of age perhaps - when they really start to notice and appreciate the company of other kids. Ok. On to the sleeping part.