This is one of those things that I felt so strongly convinced about right until I actually got a chance to see first hand how it works. Experiencing this has forced me to think very hard about what's important and what's not important to my son from my point of view. These are probably going to be a bunch of unorganized thoughts so please bear with me.
It's only been one week since my son started attending daycare, a very reputed (read expensive) one at that. I've also only been keeping him there for about 2 hours at a time. He.. Will.. Not.. Stop.. Crying. Everyone who's been through a similar experience and has a child with a similar personality tells me that this will pass soon (about two weeks is minimum). His teachers tell me that he is going to "have so much fun" once he gets used to being there, over and over again. So I started digging deeper into what fun means from their perspective. I know some of you will say this is me running in the other direction because my child hasn't taken to daycare yet. But seriously, NO. If you know me well at all, you will know that I am not impulsive and do not run away from hard challenges. I am still willing to give daycare a fair chance for a month at least - no matter how much it tears through my heart to hear my child cry to the point of hyperventilation.
The teachers attitude bothered me. Big time. There are two teachers in Vik's (my son's) classroom managing ten babies of his age - between 12 to 24 months. So the ratio is really not too bad. On day one, they did practically *nothing* to ease Vik with the transition into the new environment. After we left him there, he just sat there crying to the point of hyperventilation, sitting alone with a toy, highly confused, not knowing what had hit him. I felt like the worst mother in the world. But I stuck it out - for every person who's told me I should be strong and otherwise maybe coddling him if I rushed to his rescue. I stuck it out. So on day two I talk to the teachers and tell them they should periodically reassure him and also use distraction occasionally at least to give him a (if only few seconds) break from the crying. I wasn't asking for them to hold him all the time - just some reassurance. Being a dance teacher myself and having experience with crying, screaming 3.5 to 4 year olds who want to rush back to their mommies, this seemed like common sense to me. I give hugs freely in my classes - no matter what the age. Yes, even adults like hugs. The little ones will sit on my lap if need be for the entire duration of the class and I still manage to teach the other fourteen or so. Within 3 to 4 days of classes, these kids trust me and start liking class instantly. So I found myself *very* surprised that I have to tell daycare teachers of all the people in the world of one year olds no less that they should take an active part in easing the transition of such young kids.
There are apparently several studies showing that stress levels of daycare kids tend to be higher in general. Even after the settling down happens, the children still experience more stress than other kids. This heightened stress can lead to aggression and anxiety in toddlers.
My personal theory so far has been this - that extended daycare from a very young age (by that I mean few months old) can lead to the child not being balanced - especially a lack of curiosity which is their primary source of real learning. That they can become duller because they've been ignored so much and a younger age. At such young ages, children learn a tremendous amount, in fact, primarily from adult responses, silly games etc. That, I feel, is detrimental to their curious little selves' development more than anything. That doesn't mean you shouldn't allow self-play time - that is important too. But it's very important to talk to them, respond to them etc - which is the *primary* source of learning at this age.
Also, I talked to one of Vik's teachers asking her about the transition process, what she has seen with kids with similar personalities, how it becomes better, how long it typically takes and whether there is anything I do to ease this transition. Only to be met with very lukewarm shrugs going, "I don't know....". If she claims to have as much experience as she does on her bio, I expect her to say a bit more than "I don't know". She is *supposed* to be the expert. And where is the passion in the job? This is supposedly a place where the teachers like to work - the reputed daycare thing. If a parent of a young new crying child in my dance class looks worried or comes to me with any such transition questions, I bloody well assure them that their child will be alright, tell them I have seen this before, this is typically how it happens, this is what *I* will do to ease the child in and show the parent that I *really, genuinely* care. I *never* give a - "I don't know....it may help it may not...try it..." type of response. Then I proceed to include the new child in some fun around the class - some times I will make them, yes all of them, jump silly jumps or play silly games, if only as an ice breaker for the new kid. I don't care if I took ten minutes out of the dance class's time, but I take an active part in making a new child feel included, not actively ignored. If a seasoned parent comes to me complaining that they paid for a 1.5 hour class but got ten minutes less than that, they are free to go to another teacher. But for reasons obvious to me, no parent has so far. I think they all appreciate that I actually care so much. So, really, where is the caring part of daycare?
Second, the teachers seemed to have a rather lackadaisical and by-the-books approach to managing the children. This is where I think this is a larger issue with the daycare setting as it stands today. The format of the day is extremely structured. Teacher directed activities - water painting, "math" with blocks etc., followed by "individual choice learning" - fancy words for kids do whatever they want around the room or self-play, followed by playground time, then a meal, then a nap. Rinse and repeat (except for the nap part). The focus is almost entirely on (pseudo) intellectual development. Even during playground time, I don't really see the "fun" aspect at all. I would be jumping around the place with the kids, sharing their enthusiasm for energetic play or even chasing them around to get them going! The teachers are simply being dull and helping the children climb things, or open books, work with toys during the individual times. That is also important I agree - but where is the jumping around?? I strongly feel that the peek-a-boos, chasing around, playing with their fingers, inventing silly games type of activities are far more important at that age than these dull, directed ones.
Children that young also learn a LOT about the world around them by watching their adult care givers do regular tasks during the day like cooking, cleaning etc. Sitting them around at a table and giving them activities like water painting and "math" with blocks at this age is relatively meaningless and not worth much - as many child psychologists and studies will tell you. But what I've realized is that competitive parents increasingly want to hear that their child "learnt" so much every single day. Hence these activities.
There is a misconception (myself included until recently) that it is better for one year olds or even younger kids to be in a group setting with other kids and less with adults. Often times I hear that they "learn a lot". There is absolutely no evidence that doing these pretty meaningless activities (to a one year old) actually makes them smarter. Also, until they are 2 to 2.5, they don't really play with each other. They only play side by side. They might, at the most, pick up on a few developmental skills from watching one another but nothing they cannot get to on their own, that their bodies are naturally *supposed* to do, everything else being normal. So it's really not that important for them to spend time around other kids until they're a bit older. It might even slow them down mentally. Apparently studies show that children who have been in daycare from when they were a few months old tend to be slower in cognitive development than the ones who have started after about 18 months of age - that's when you start to see the advantages of this sort of setting. That goes back to my theory above of daycare setting making younger children dull.
Anyway, that's my brain dump for now. Gotta put that head to rest now. I'm sure I will have more thoughts on this as time passes by. But I am surprised at how many misconceptions I had about putting kids into daycare very young. People these days keep telling you - it's good for them, it's good for them. I took that at face value. But on closer observation for a one year old, I'm starting to think it's not really that good for them. I think the advantages of daycare will actually start to show around 2 years of age perhaps - when they really start to notice and appreciate the company of other kids. Ok. On to the sleeping part.
3 comments:
hey, all I can say is that you're a great mom and u don't restrict yourself to traditional ways of thinking. :-) The playing around with the kid bit was something I noticed too when Arya transitioned from nanny to daycare at the age of 2. Cristina used to actively play with the kids, jump around, fool around, which I always loved, and I do that too, and I was a bit sad that Arya was missing that in daycare, but past 2 luckily they find ways of deriving joy in each other's company, so they start playing with each other. Arya also got access to new stuff like scooter etc. which he loved to ride. Ultimately it's each person's choice and I guess different things work for different people. As for studies, if there are studies showing how detrimental daycare is there are probably as many (or more) showing why daycare is the greatest choice! It's all confusing. But it does seem common-sensical, as you say, that if a kid is in a dull envt, the kid grows up dull. If you're not happy with Vik's teachers, that is defnly an important consideration. Good Luck!
Yea - that's why I'm thinking that maybe 2 is a good age to start daycare, but 1 is not. I think from 2 the benefits are there - playing with the other kids, learning etc is more appropriate. Although I have heard from a few people who've used smaller home daycares that younger children can get the right kind of fun and care there. But as you have said and another friend did too, it does often come down to the right kind of teacher.
About the studies, you're right. I think I was just pissed while writing this. :-) There are too many inconclusive studies also. I often write for a cathartic experience.
But the one thing I am somewhat convinced about is the dullness. What worried me is that there are at least 3 children in Vik's class who've been at this daycare since they were little babies (I asked the teacher later when they had joined) and they are simply sitting around staring vacantly here and there, occasionally reaching for a toy. They don't seem to be doing much every time I've spent some time in the class. That is not a good sign! In fact the ones who joined daycare around 1 were a lot more normal. Also, I was sitting in the classroom yesterday reading a book to Vik to give him a break from crying before I left and one of the slightly older kids started coming to me. The teacher was reading to her too. But she kept looking at me reading and giggling at the sounds I made etc. Tells me something about how uninteresting the teacher's reading must be! So that's not a good sign either.
I might look around for home daycares but not too hopeful about finding one. If we still feel this way at the end of a couple of weeks (still trying to keep an open mind), we're getting a nanny until he's about 2 then go back to daycare. The one good thing that's come out of this is that I now know conclusively what to look for in his nanny. :-)
Yeah, I was going to bring up in-home daycare. Some of my friends have had a good experience with it. But nanny is definitely a safe bet, if u get a good nanny!
(Also, when you put him back into daycare at 2, he will likely still have a rough adjustment phase. But hopefully he'll be in better hands, i.e., with good teachers!)
Squeeze him tight for me! :-)
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